brainsovabeauty

10:02 am: life
i know it's said like has its own way of taking its sweet time... but why is it news can't be spread out? instead of put on a person all at once..



Got home at midnight last night cause i was feeling sick. I have to have 3 root canals and 3 teeth pulled next week. Till then its a lot of vicodin, which doesn't seem to be workign anymore. It just makes me into a mean heartless person. I dont seem to have any feelings and im very spacey.

At 7 i wake up to jason calling well called then text when i didn't answer.. so i talked to him for a while.. then decided it was either stay up and take more meds. or go to sleep.. i went to sleep. then at 9 mom calls and wakes me up to let me know a couple things...

first... my brother has notified her he is getting married next year.... hmm... great. i like the girl she is a real sweetheart. But marriage? they've been together like 5-6 months now... how do you know you're ready for that?
I mean just how can you be so sure you're meant to be forever?


second... to notify me that my dads sister (my aunt) jennie had passed away. She had cancer and the family had been tellign me to get over and see her.. well what do you know i didn't make it.
Im pissed off at myself for the way things have turned out.

There aren't enough hours in the day to do everything.. I never make it back to illinois to see anyone... even the ones who at one point in my life were everythign to me. im letting everyoen down and i see it. just not sure how to fix it.
im suppost to go sub in an hour... but i feel sick.. and just cold.. not like body temp. but inside.. i really just want to be alone to think about things.
i put myself in a situation im not sur ehow to get out of...

Lauren, Mich, and selina are the only ones here to attempt to make things better.. its no their place.. and i know i can't depend on them to always be there and make everythign better.

Jason and I talk... but there still seems to be so many bad feelings.. have you ever just wanted to grab someone and never let go? felt liek that one person completly comepletes youand your life.. even their faults. its crazy.. that i can't move on.. crazier that i dont want to. i feel like in a lot of ways he has. and he's happy me coming back into the picture would just change the things he has. i see that he is happy with himself and his life... i seen it the other night when we met up to talk.. but after talking to me he was in a bad mood, so i ruined his night basically without even trying to. I just am at a loss for what to do... i know where my heart is. but what about everything else? and what about him.. a relationship takes 2 people for it to work.. we have to understand each others differences and faults and not only accept them but learn to live with them and even help them along. Are we strong enough at heart for all that we had? could we take another chance or would it just go back to the way it was?

anyways.. i have to get going.. just needed to write..

02:00 am: why
i absolutly can not stand double standards.. how is it one person sleeps with a friend allmost 2 months after a relationship ends and the other person completly writes them out of their life and accuses them of being a bad perosn wiht bad morals.. while that same person stepped out with 2 people DURING therelationship and expected the other to forgive them and still love them, and continue on with the relationship? how do you just stop loving someone after making thme COMPLETLY your life for so long. i guess ill never understand how it works like that. who's wrong? the one who drops the other person adn is no longer there for them? or the one who forgave when it was done to them only to be dropped after the relationship was done.. could someone polease help me to understand..

04:15 am: wow so much has changed since i last wrote.

the parke county queen pageant has come and gone. i ended up with 3rd place and best evening gown. Kristen got queen. I couldn't of been happier. she fit the part perfectly and made an amazing queen.

Jason and I ended things. in a kinda awkward, strange way. things were good at first i really thought we could make it as friends. maybe one day down the road even be more. but like everyone says you can't go from being lovers to friends. while i though we could proove them wrong, i guess in the end the saying is true. things have actually developed to the point where he has pushed me completly out of his life. in a way im sad, i wanted us to stay close still be in contact, be able to be there for one another. cause i thought when you are in love with someone it doesn't just stop. i was wrong. were we in love? if so then that is possible. to just shove all the feeligns away, forget everything.. and just completly start being there. on the other hand i knwo what's meant to be will always find its way. i hope more then anythign he does well in life. God blesses him with school, work, friends, and yes love. I hope he knows all relationships aren't the same. dont give up because of the mistakes we made. i hope he doesn't forget the past even if he tries. yes, there has been good and bad. but i believe more good then bad. in the end i couldn't forget... somethigns i needed to for us to continue. i guess ijust questioned the relationship always based on things from the past when we were first together.



other then that.. summer has come to an end. i have developed 2 of the best friendships a girl could ask for. they are so sweet, caring, giving, most of all i admire there honesty and loyalty. Lauren, selina, kayla and i will be moved into our new home by early october. its an adorable, cosy, but spacious 3 bedroom, 2 bath. we are putting up a privacy fence and building a deck off the back to make it complete.
Im sad to see summer go, but excited to see what it brings. Made some new friends that i know will continue on.

Kelsey and i enjoy our late nights and non stop text messaging. we're a super hero team that cant't be stopped.
Paxton is my sweetheart and my S7 drinking buddy.
The rockville frat house is one of my fave. places to be. stowers keeps me laughing on a constant basis. i can't go a week without hearing his phrases "quit it" Chris is an absolute sweetheart who i enjoy his deep drunken conversations. Forrest and i have gotten real close, hes one of my greatest guy friends, and just friends in general. i like our late night conversations and the sweet moments in life. i owe him for always keeping me safe and giving me a place to sleep with no worries. even if its just kelsey and i crashing in it.. lol..
the frat house wouldn't be complete though if my girls weren't there. cookouts, random parties and the themes only we could create. it's amazing... always an eventful time.


i joined the national guard. was scheduled to leae the 6th of september but by some grace of God it was moved back. SO i am now enjoying rockville, takign things a day at a time. I will be working and either going to ivy tech or returnign to ISU to finish my computer and business degree next semester. haven't decided which yet.


Lauren has me addicted to the OC and its allmost 5 am, therefor i think i am going to hop off here, watch the 2nd disk and prolly the 3rd till 8 am rolls around, thne i am going to take care of LB and get her all better.


till next time..... adios!

12:16 am: long time
it's been quite a while since i wrote so i htought i'd update a bit..

Life's taken so many changes.. I'm not returning to ISu instead i am doing cosmetology in T.H. then Ivy Tech for 2 years to get my business degree. Lauren and i are going apartment hunting in T.H. it'd be a blast to live with her. We'll see what we can find.
In february Bill and Michele are taking Jason, Josh and I on a cruise to Mexico. Selina gets to come with me. We'll be gone the 5-11 so Jason will turn 21 while we're in Mexico... aka.. we get to drink together.. woo hoo...

two days ago was prolly one of the best days in a while.. Lauren, Selina, Dani, Drew, Gred and i all went kayaking.. it was so much fun.. it started to rain aand i didn't even care.. Drew and i got to talk a bit and it was just nice to chill out for 2 hours.. it started to storm pretty bad so i baywatched it into the water to save Lauren... she lost her sandals but we lived and made it out with the kayak. I got home and broke out cause of somethign in the water.. then ran in the house only to slip on the step outside and fall. I now have a scratched up arm and my thigh is 90% swollen and bruised. Luckily Lauren was here to picck me up, and make me better. it was a good day

Lately us girls have been together everynight and it's just nice.. they're really becoming my world... i love them.. each of them has a uniqueness that keeps the friendship special and alive.. i can't really explain it, but it's just there..

Selinas dad mike got back from virginia today.. he brought me back a starbucks teddy bear.. it's so cute.. i might just marry him yet.. lol...


I won Rosedale queeen pageant it was a great weekend and so much fun to be queen. My fave. part was crowning the little miss.. Now its' just about tiem to get ready for Parke COunty. I wasn't going to do it this year, but then just decided one more chance.. I get explain why i want to be miss parke county but i could promise i'd be a good one. Given the oppurtunity and chance. I'll just continue to pray and I know God will help me out. If you want to knwo who my picks are for queen.. its kristin, lauren, or lorena.. but we'll see... if anyone has any pointers feel free...


other then that life's just going.. i work.. spend time with my girls and guys...

today was kinda bad in that my eye sight is finally starting to give.. i see a specialist in the morning several treatments have to be done before i can get the official go ahead on surgery. I hope it's soon... I pray it all works out. otherwise it's glasses until it jsut finally goes. he said no more contacts but he knows i can't be in a pageant with glasses.. well i could. just not sure how that would look... I am just to much of a vain person to wear glasses 24/7.. i know it.. and i know its a negative quality. I am workign on it.. but it just won't be solved.. tontie my boss actually broke down.. he wanted to talk with me about things so he came into work.. He told me not to be scared.... that i was a strong person.. i work hard to be healthy.. ad he toldme a story about his dad passing away.. he couldn't make it to him in time but he talked to him on the phone.. he told me not to worry cause im a good person with a big heart. when the time is right God will open his arms and i will have no more worries.. he told me jsut to live and be the person i am.. i am trying but i can't help but think.. what if..
if my vision goes i won't see a beautiful wedding day.. or my child.. or grandkids.. you know just what if.. it's scary, but like he said ill have my life.. and the true ones who care will always be there... there'd few i know.. but they're truly one of a kind.. God has def. blessed me with an amazing family Boyles, snivelys, herricks, esins, todds.. and so on.. this past year he gave me friends that i know will always be around and will always be close no doubt about it.. Lauren.. selina, Kacie, the guys, Katie... it's just a bond that i know no one can take.

it's allmost 1 so i think i'll lay down and sleep now.. sweet dreams..

12:24 am: La la la life...
Wow.. been forever since i wrote. No worries I haven't disappeared. I guess i jsut haven't been in a writing mood.

So lots of changes.. first off.. I received two call backs for photgraphy modeling ( pictures in magazines) and for acting.. THe first one was the biggest shock.. I honeslty thought they'd turn me down but to my surprise they didn't. They were worried about my height at first, but my personality and smile won them over. So i go to Chicago July 1st. Hopefully janet, jas, and Josh will go with me and we'll make another family vaca out of the trip. I'm nervous.. but devoted. I love acting and its just something i thin i've wanted long enough. I work out.. run.. and try to eat right. I don't know how long it's been since i have had soda pop, but oddly enough don't miss it. I am addicted to water..

Then the second one I received notice on last weds. and i go this weds to see exactly what it all means, where.. when.. types of deals.. pay.. All the goodies really..

Jaosn is finally getting better.. It's been crazy and it has worn me out. Isu said he had no strep throat, it was just a virus well friday night he went to see doc nick at like 9 and found out it was an access on his throat. So we ended up going Saturday to see joshua graduate from VU. it was a grand ol time minus how bad Jason felt.. then we came back here and i cuddled.. and took care of jas. we ended up in the er on sunday all day till around 1 am.. then today we had to go to a specialist. Needless to say things are getting a lot better for him.. he does have strep so i am on meds to try and stop what if any of it i have gotten ffrom sleeping with him and all.

Tonite the guys and I took Katie out ot Texas Roadhouse for her b-day.. it was good.. but on the way back the guys were in front of us.. katie and i in her truck.. well we start hearign this honking liek a semi truck.. so we are looking around her truck to se what it was.. cause there were not many cars.. none behind us.. about the time she looks up and slamson her break a train goes just inches in front of her truck.. we freaked... THere are no bars or anythign to stop you from going through and the lights did't come on until the train was right there.. katie and i had to just pull over and sit, cause we knew that we were saved... It's insane knowing if she hadn't of looked up at that sec. neither of us would have seen it. it would of just hit straight into me. It was insane!!!


so anyways.. we're done with school as of Friday! yeah!!! back home to share the room and bed.. i love it!

It's pouring im gonna sleep great.. if you hear the thunder i hear let me know :O)

allmost 1:00 am.. bed time then up in the am to go to r-vilel to vote.. Eslinger and Bolinger


Oh yea Friday night was aamzing.. i hung out iwht the guys and Selina.. (my girl) her friend Courtney was in town, that girls jsut fit in so perfectly.. we played some pyramid bs.. and Zoomy Zoomy.. it was jsut a great time. i was sad to not get to hangout with them all Saturday inc. Kacie, but I couldn't leave Jasons side..


Lauren messaged me tonite.. it's great knwoign when i go home for summer, i will still have my first friend right there.. it's like we can not tlak for a couple weeks but as sson as we get together it's just liek it's always been. FUn! It's hard to believe My life was this great before her..


And this summer I hope Selina has been running.. cause she knows once i get hoem it's 3 miles a day :OP anyways.. night




You're my wonderwall!

02:22 pm: new things for my thoughts...
thought i'd share...

Wait for the boy who pursues u, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of boy who brings out the best in u and makes u want to be a better person, wait for the boy who will be ur best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with u at any time of the day no matter what the circumstances, wait for the boy who makes u smile like no other boy makes u smile and when he smiles u know he needs u, wait for the boy who wants to show u off to the world when u r in sweats and have no makeup on, but appreciates it when u get all dolled up for him, and most of all wait for the boy who will put u at the center of his universe, because obviously he's at the center of urs*


One day you'll wake up and realize how much you care for her and when that day comes, she'll be waking up next to the guy who already knew..


*through the wind and the rain.
*through the laughter and pain.
*count on me.
*and when life isnt fair.
*and there's nobody there.
*i will be.
*in a world of pretenders.
*i'll be your defender.
*and wen it all comes down.
*i'll be the last one standing.


I give my smile to many*
*I give my emotions to few*
*But when it comes to lovin*
*Hunnie, i give my heart to you

Someday in your life you'll find someone you can be your goofy self with...
but still be able to pour your heart out too...
be able to look you worst and still have him say...
"Baby, you're beautiful"...
he wont be prince charming...
but he'll be nothing less than perfect...
he'll break your heart to pieces...
and make you cry under all those tissuse you'll still find in a place in your heart to forgive...
he'll be the boy you'll never be able to forget no matter what he does....
and no matter what he says...
you know you'll always be that girl who's heart races when you hear his name...
and that girl who's totally and completely in love with him...


**a girl asked a boy if she was pretty, he said no...she asked him if he wanted to be with her forever, he said no...she then asked him if he'd cry if she walked away, he said no...she had heard too much, she needed to leave...as she walked away he grabbed her arm and told her to stay...he said "you're not pretty, you're beautiful...i don't wanna be with you forever, i need to be with you forever...and i wouldn't cry if you walked away...id die..."**

09:33 pm: complete and utter randomness..
Somethings i've read lately that have caught my eye... some thoughts.. some wishes.. some prayers




There's a moment in time when you realize things you loved- you can't find anything good in and things you hated- you find reasons to believe in.
There's a thin line between hypocrisy and growing up.



"You can't stop your heart from loving, really-it's like standing out there in the ocean yelling at the waves to stop."


Eventually all the pieces fall into place but until then laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason..


Scars heal... glory fades
And all we're left with are the memories made
Pain hurts, but only for a minute
Yeah life is short so go on and live it


All I've ever wanted in a man.. is someone who will honestly love me for ME. Someone who knows I have the biggest heart, i'll put it out there and then become crazy once it crashes and burns before me, only to know I'll do it again. Someone who knows it's hard for me to trust, yet only gives me reasons TO trust. Someone who realizes I am only me, I will make mistakes i will both fall and be pushed on my ass, but stand beside me and watch me get back up, help sometimes. but don't feel like you have to do everything for me. Someone who sees I am a giver not so much of a taker, but is ok with that. SOmeone who will let me make choices on my own, and then deal with the consequences. Your input is nice and needed at times, but know I have my own thoughts.. I'm a hopeless romantic, invite me over we'll have a movie and picnic. Pick me a flower as we walk. I don't ask for all the expnsive things in life, just the thoughtful. Be the gentleman you're supposed to be, open the door, push in my seat, never be late for a date, but kinda expect to wait on me. I'm only trying to look perfect for YOU after all. Someone who wants a life of his own, but a life with me. Someone who can respect my friends of both sexes, both new and old. Love me, trust me, and in return you'll have my heart and all of me. You don't have to treat me like a princess, but make me feel appreciated, needed, and loved. Someone who realizes that half the decisions I make, I'll regret and I have the right to over-react at any given moment. I want someone who knows I'm completely insane and they wouldn't want me any other way.:-*


If you look inside a girl's heart
You'd see how much she really cries
You'll find hidden secrets, best friends, and lies
But what you'll see the most
Is how hard it is to stay strong
When nothing's right, and everything is wrong


If i leave here tomorrow,
Would you still remember me?
For I must be ravelling on, now,
'cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, If i stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

01:42 am: quick update:
Lovely week so far.. today it was a little over 70 degrees. I loved wakign up and seeing people in shorts.. LOVELY!

Last nite around 1 I received a phone call from my Kacie and Selina. Exciting.. I can't wait for them to get back so we can hangout and just enjoy the times we have together again. I miss those two so darn much. Anyways, it was a great conversation rather amusing..

TOnite JoJo and Cassie (jason's little cousins) have come to stay with me. We went on a ride with the top down, walked the mall a bit, ate dinner, I rowed both of their hair, watched some movies, had a grand ol time...

I think this weekend Jas and I are going home to rockville to fill out some summer job applications.

Dentist thing started off well. I found out i don't have to have my jaw broke right now. Possibly not even at all. That was good. So now Its my choice hen i want to proceed with the surgery and all that.. I still jsut don't know if i want to..

But bed time! TTYL

12:05 am: starving for your attention.. not all of it, but some..
I hate that I constantly think about the past.. I’ve wrote about this so many times now, but I still do it. New Year’s resolution was to stop, but I won’t. Maybe you’re not suppose to.. Maybe you forgive for the past, but are never meant to forget. If you were then I’m sure God would have created you to relapse every year or something.



I go back in time to the 2004 year. Remember how it was? We were almost inseparable. You couldn’t stand not to see me for a week. You wanted to see me, hold hands, kiss, it was hard to say goodbye. It seemed like talking on the phone for an hour just wasn’t enough. You opened the doors, picked me flowers just to let me know you were thinking of me. The random things you did were what stole my heart and made me choose you.
It seems like now 3 years later, things are tough. Things are where I never pictured them being. It’s hard to please everyone and I still haven’t learned that I am only one person and can’t do that. I would do anything to make you happy. No matter what it was or how hard I had to work to get it. I wouldn’t even think about it either. I keep telling me self there is a reason; I just haven’t figured it out yet. Why things are tougher then they were. Why we’ve changed so much. I remember we used to be so interested in one another and what was happening, how we were feeling. We had a burning sensation to want to to everything about one another. It was a feeling I’d never felt before, like I wouldn’t stop till I knew everything about you. I then realized that’s a lifelong accomplishment. There’s always going to be something new to learn. It’s hard growing up. I’ve enjoyed having someone to share life with.

After long thought and reading up a bit. I’ve decided to take some advice. I will start to live my life for me. I want you in my life still, I’m not saying that. But I have to do the things that will make me happy. I hope you do the things that make you happy as well. I have to learn to let you talk to and hangout with whomever you choose to you must do the same though. I want a different relationship. One where there is absolute trust, and freedom. I want to one day look back and be like I made all the right choices, if they were wrong then I learned a valuable lesson from them. Life’s not going to fix itself I have to do it for myself. I know I’ve changed. I don’t have the same morals or values I first did, but is that bad? I’ve changed for the better I think. You wanted me to change.. I did, I just changed more then you expected and it seems wanted.

Life moves and fly’s by so fast. You really can’t take anything or anyone for granted. You never know when someone will be gone from your life. One of the biggest life lessons I’ve learned is to be nice to people even when they aren’t nice to you. To be respectful… even when you really don’t want to be. In the end it’ll get you further and make you feel better.

I talk so mush around what I really want to say. Will I ever just have the balls to say what I really feel and mean? Prolly not… I care to much about hurting others…. I hate looking back and being like man I should’ve said that.. Life’s about a lot of could’ves, should’ves, would’ves….
I feel like it’s me vs. myself now.. What do I want… what do I really want? This will take some time to figure out so you won’t get the answer tonight.. Maybe ever?

I hate writing in here sometimes not knowing who will read this, or how they’ll perceive what I say.

It’s not that I am extremely angry at you, or that you’re a horrible person that’s not it at all. I m just scared of how far things have changed thus far, and how much more they will in these next couple months. Can we make it? Tell me.. Honestly… I never want sugar coated thoughts or words. Those are no good. I want you to understand me the way I am, but I know that process would drive you nuts. I’m very indecisive.. I’m strong and independent yet, insecure. I’ll admit I care what others think, I’m human… But more so I care about how I feel about myself. If I’m not happy with myself and I change it I know you automatically assume its for everyone else.. in some ways it is, but more so for me. I want to be better, feel better, and look better. I think at times you hold me up and forget that I’m just a person, living growing, I make mistakes and ignorant comments. Have your own life.. do it, but all I ask is include me. You know how to get under my skin… you know what it takes to hurt me… You get to me in ways no one can. That’s my own fault. I let you in. I could’ve not opened my heart and life to you, stayed doing the things I was, living my life the way I was. Who knows where’d I would be now. But I chose a path with you in it.. Opened up now I have to deal with the fact you know me well enough to destroy me. I fall short of your expectations a lot of times. You do mine as well. It’s life… how we deal with it, makes us who we are. My past makes me who I am.. But it makes me so sensitive to everyday things. I hold back to much. I want to be truly loved in life.. Not just told, but I want to feel it… Growing up no one told me they loved me.. It’s a little thing I think people take for granted. I can HONESTLY say I never have. And that’s why I miss it.

The only thing I ask of you and your life.. Is to just don’t forget.. Never forget..



*Reminder to self* listen to accidentally in Love by counting Crows

12:49 am: ready.. set.... go
Couple classes to go.. literally.. I have 3 classes on truesday, then a midterm weds, thursday I'm gonna finish packign and then we're off to Jasper.. We're gonna watch final destination 3, and a couple other movies.. and hangout with everyone.. Then it's off to Destin/PCB, Florida. I can't wait to be back on the beach. Seems like forever.. Anyways jst wanted to update a bit. Ill have new pictures up this week from the past weekend. It was the best by far.. turned into a dance party.. Selina, Kacie, Brit, and Ash were all there. It was just GREAT!

ttyl

I Love my baby jas... he got his first pedicure today.. Yes, that waas my surprise for him.. and it was TOO cute!